'New Year's Eve'

'New Year's Day' (PG-13) (1 1/2 STARS)

Writer: Katherine Fugate
Director: Garry Marshall

"New Year's Eve" is a holiday, romantic comedy on the heels of the same filmmaker's "Valentine's Day". I would like to first congratulate the filmmakers on something before I tear them up for what I call "New Year's Evil". "The same writer and director made "Valentine's Day" and that movie is "The Godfather" compared to "New Year's Evil", I mean Eve.

Now I can't even write a full review of this pathetic comedy so I will make some bullet points because this movie doesn't deserve my time on a review, I have to go watch Pro Wrestling now anyway which is actually smarter and more artistic than "New Year's Eve".

Oh and Pro Wrestling has better acting! "Ouch!"

1.) Congratulations to Garry Marshall, you have gotten the worst performance I have seen Robert Deniro ever give on screen.

2.) Deniro plays an elderly man who I guess is dying from cancer but I have never seen a more hokey, false and exploitative depiction of a man dying from cancer. Going through a death in the family due to cancer in real life recently this subplot made me sick to my stomach plus Deniro's direction he was given is pathetic.

Now let's have some fun:

3.) I know the filmmakers are trying to make Michelle Pfeiffer look like a timid, plain Jane but did you have to make her look mentally challenged? I have never seen a worse use of Michelle Pfeiffer ever on screen, even "Grease 2".

4.) There is zero chemistry between Pfeiffer and Zak Efron in one of many half assed written subplots.

5.) Ashton Kutcher and Lea Michelle have zero chemistry but at least one of only say 3 good moments in this movie belong to Lea Michelle singing "Auld Lang Syne". Lea Michelle's voice is stronger than Celine Dion's and equal to Barbra Streisand and she has charisma but being paired with the one note smirking Kutcher is career suicide.

6.) Congratulations to Katherine Heigl, you are annoying, obnoxious, over acting and nails scratching on a chalkboard bad again.

7.) Jon Bon Jovi has beautiful blue eyes but his acting is stiffer than a board. You are a great rock star so continue singing only or get charisma and acting lessons.

8.) Hilary Swank has won two Oscars but what a shallow, dumb and worthless role she was given here, the person in charge of the big New Year's Ball dropping. What an insult to an award winning actress and the make up artist who did up Swank, Heigl, Sarah Jessica Parker, Lea Michelle and Michelle Pfeiffer should be blacklisted from the make up artist's association if there is one. I have a little advice, less make up please.

9.) I guess this movie was filmed in New York with the sponsorship of Nivea but I swear it was really filmed in Canada. I have seen many New Year's Eve celebrations and ball droppings in New York on television and the celebration here looks cheesy and not anywhere close to the real thing.

10.) I used to love Sarah Jessica Parker but now I can't stand her and this movie explains why.

Besides Lea Michelle there are a few things I liked here keeping this from getting my famous Zero star review:

There are so many sappy, amateurishly written and horrible love stories in this movie but the only touching and real moment comes at the end with Halle Berry. She plays a nurse who after her shift gets dressed up in a killer dress and goes to a television to have a beautiful talk via satellite with her husband who is stationed in Iraq.

I also loved a subplot with Seth Myers and Jessica Biel and yes Seth Meyers gives the best performance in this movie! They play a couple whose wife is preganant and they are battling another couple to have the first New Year's baby. Myers is really funny, the writing is not half bad and I really think Jessica Biel is the most under rated actress today with one of the best bodies in Hollywood and here she is pregnant. Also Sofia Vergara steals this movie away from everyone, she is very funny, charming and sexy! Oh and finally Garry Marshall has now joined Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner in the old men who should never direct a movie again club.

P.S. I feel I am being too rough and hateful here but really I am sick and tired of these false, horrible romantic comedies and I am choking on them. Can someone please make a great romantic comedy soon!