'Immortals'

'Immortals' (R) (1 STAR)

Writers: Charles and Vilas Parlapanides
Director: Tarsem Singh Dhandwar
Starring: Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, Stephen Dorff, Freida Pinto, Luke Evans, Isabel Lucas, John Hurt

What is it with film makers that are trying to adapt Greek Mythlogy? Everyone who attempts it has totally screwed it up. I am a huge fan of Greek Mythology, was crazy about it in school. That may be why I am such a stickler but with the lame "Troy", horrible remake of "Clash of the Titans" and now the ugly and sick loser "Immortals" I am getting annoyed. You have to go back to the cheesy but super fun 1981 original movie "Clash of the Titans" to get satisfaction.

"Immortals" reminds me of my least favorite movie of all time, David Lynch's sorry "Dune". At least "Immortals" is beautiful to look at to a point, until the 100th decapitation and impaling. "Dune" looked like someone threw a huge bag of dirt at the screen every hour. "Immortals" is beautiful to look at sometimes with it's mountains, cliffs and the only great scene in the first five minutes. That scene shows a group of slaves lined up in several rows with a long pipe through everyone's teeth. "Immortals" has some great sets and CGI but the story is lame, the acting is horrible save for a few performances and the movie gets extremely tedious. You can take a turd and cover it with gold but it really is still a turd.

A lot of the movie isn't coherent and doesn't make sense but here it goes. Henry Cavill plays a peasant named Theseus who gets recruited by the Gods, including Zeus, to battle King Hyperion. Hyperion wants to rule the World and attain a magical bow and arrow with super powers. Theseus is helped out by Stavros and a few warriors plus some Gods who look like they walked out of a drag queen show. The costumes are cool but I swear Lady Gaga was the art director and choreographer. Some of these costumes can be seen at any burlesque show. There are so many fight scenes with no logic and you can't follow any of it. It is beheading, testicle smashing, impalings and then wash, rinse and repeat. At the hour mark I was sick and tired and pissed off at all these dismemberments.

Mickey Rourke is the only actor that is good and is at least looking like he is into the movie even though he is playing the villain from "Ironman 2" without the accent. Henry Cavill screams a lot but he looks good and has star potential. I hope his next big hero role as Superman ( a movie I have been waiting 30 years for) works out better for him. This is a movie that depressed me with all it's killings. The sets I guess look awesome and the costumes silly and fun but a campy movie like 1980's "Flash Gordon" ( a guilty pleasure of mine) is 50 times better at half the budget at it's costumes and special effects. The only movie goers I think that will like this are 13-18 year old geek science fiction fan boys. All I thought of after I saw this was that the two Greek brothers who wrote this should have their Greek citizenship revoked.

For better movies than "Immortals" try everything else (just kidding). Oh let me start with the much more dazzling and coherent "300". That is an exciting movie in "Immortals" style that is 50 times better at telling a story and looking beautiful. Also the 1981 version of "Clash of the Titans" and one of my favorite bad movies, 1980's "Flash Gordon".